


Relationship Advice

by EnvyBakemono



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autistic Jake English, Family Feels, Fluff, Karkat Tries To Be Helpful, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, Relationship Advice, Strider Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 18:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10973340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnvyBakemono/pseuds/EnvyBakemono
Summary: Dirk's helpless with relationships, Jake's no good with people, and Dave and Rose are MVPs. Rosemary, Davekat, DirkJake, Strider/Lalonde Family Bonding Time.





	1. Chapter 1

                Your name is Dirk Strider, and as much as it kind of pains you, you’re asking for advice. More specifically –

                “Relationship advice?” Dave’s sunglasses are just as dark as yours, but you can hear the incredulousness in his voice.

                You just nod. It makes you look cooler and less like you’re shaking in your boots with not-so-faint terror.

                “With –“

                “Jake.”

                “Jake English. Aka, John and Jade’s dad?”

                “Yes.” Still weird.

                Dave sits down. Hard. You can’t help a snicker. “Weren’t you flirting with Roxy?” Also still weird.

                “Yes. Shut up. Genetics can bugger off." Dave rubs his temples. "Okay, you and Jake aren't related so that's cool - but why do _you_ need advice? From me?"

                "...Did you miss the part where I'm a little less awesome than advertised? I kind of drove him off last time." You don’t like thinking about it. You were pushy and arrogant and maybe you should just wait – but it’s killing you.

               "Right. I'm remembering this conversation now. I just, hadn't put together the genetic alphabet soup yet. So you're trying to get _back_ together with him? Is that a good plan?"

                "Why do you think I'm asking you?" You're starting to think having a brother isn't all it's cracked up to be. Well, it's a good sight better than your stupid AR. At least Dave is trying to be helpful instead of winding you up on purpose. 

                "Uh, well, my relationship experience is kind of limited to aliens. Like, exclusively. I haven't even kissed any human peeps. Let alone male human peeps. But like, what do you want advice on?"

                You shrug. You're not sure you have a good answer to that. "Not scaring him off, I guess," you murmur. It should help now that you know him as _Jake,_ not ‘Jake English the Uber Cool’ whatever hell you were trying to make him be. But the attraction hasn’t gone away.

                "Then just be chill about it, dude. We can be chill. We're good at chill. You and me, we’re the chilliest of Striders, but also the only Striders, but that’s beside the point – we can _do_ chill.”

                You nod, and decide not to bring up the hickey on his neck, or the fact that bringing up Karkat is enough to put a dopey grin on his face. Chill. Right.

                You decide to ask somebody else.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh my gosh! That's so cute!"

Your name's still Dirk Strider, and Jake's grandmother - mother? - whatever - seems very enthusiastic about this.

"Uh - yeah. I guess. I was wondering if you had any advice."

"Advice?" Jade blinks, green eyes wide.

"Oh. Well, uh, maybe get him flowers?"

"Flowers."

"Or something else he likes!"

"He likes guns."

Her mouth drops into a perfect 'O'. "GET HIM A GUN."

"I - really don't think getting him a gun is a good idea. I'm not entirely convinced he won't shoot me with it."

"Why would he do that? Well, if you don't want to, I will." And then she starts rambling on about guns. You zone out for a little bit. Guns are kind of overrated anyway - swords are where it's at. Although maybe Jade has a point.


	3. Chapter 3

Your name continues to be Dirk Strider, although under Rose's glare, you're wondering if you should change it to "Miniscule Spawn". You don't know if she means it, though. Apparently she just has that effect on people.

Finally, she opens her mouth. "Don't get drunk."

"What?"

"You heard me. No alcohol. Also, don't die. I sincerely do not recommend it."

"I was hoping for advice a little less obvious."

She raises an eyebrow. "You would assume they're obvious, but trust me, it's best not to assume. Especially not with our little clan." She prods a manicured fingernail into your chest. “Isn’t that right, Decapitation Dirk?”

You gulp. Right. Somebody _told_ her about that. "Okay. No drinking, no dying. Anything else?"

She shrugs. "Beyond that, I am entirely at a loss. My only conclusion for why Kanaya puts up with me is my stunning good looks, so you should fare well."

There's a long-suffering sigh from the other side of the giant pile of books, and Rose smiles, biting back what you assume is a laugh. It's the best advice you've gotten so far, at least.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: Jake's using 'gay' in the general sense here - I HC him as bi but he's sort of ??? about the whole thing.

Your name is Jake English, and by gum, you're sick and tired of not knowing what you're doing when it comes to relationships!

Unfortunately your genetic forebear - or afterbear - doesn't seem to have much of a clue either. "Aw shucks, I'm sorry, Jake! I wish I was better at all this." John shrugs. "I'm not terribly good with women, and even assuming it works exactly the same way with men, my last attempt at romance ended up dating another girl troll-style. Maybe you should ask somebody else?"

"Perhaps, but you're - well - me! In many ways, at least. We share enough genetic code that you should have some answer!"

"Um, be yourself?"

"No offense, Grandfather, but that is some smucking terrible advice, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself." You smack your head down onto the table. "Myself is terrible. No, I need to be charming, witty, dashing -"

"I'm confused. Do you want to be Dirk, or date him?"

"Both, apparently. Welcome to being gay."

John pats you awkwardly on the back. "I'm very sorry. I think."


	5. Chapter 5

“You made an EXCELLENT choice in coming to me! I’m an expert in both slime science and romance, you know.”

Your name continues to be Jake English and you’re starting to think you’ve made a bad call. Karkat’s voice is… loud. Very loud. Also, you don’t trust anybody who calls them an expert in two things. That just seems overbearing.

“What quadrant are you crushing on him in?”

“What – I’m sorry? You’ve lost me already, old sport.”

Karkat snorts. “Right. You’re human. Matesprit it is.” He scratches out the other three quadrants, and you feel faintly like you’ve disappointed somebody. “Well, first, you need to appeal to the inner sense of pity that is vital to _all_ matespritship –“

“P-pity?” Your heart drops. “I don’t want him to pity me… that sounds like a bad idea…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. All love is pity.”

And isn’t that silly? You start tearing up, and the worst part is that it sounds _true_ –

Karkat glances up from his diagram – “….Did I say something stupid?" He makes a face. "I’m gonna get Dave. I said something stupid.”

You shake your head.

You’re gonna go ask somebody else. Or maybe crawl into a hole instead.


	6. Chapter 6

Dave and Karkat find you hiding under a table in their house, and that just makes you feel more stupid. Truth is, you just got a little overwhelmed. You aren’t very _good_ at any of this, are you? With people, or feelings, or anything that isn’t talking about yourself.

Dave crawls in next to you first, patting you on the head in a way that manages to be comforting instead of condescending. You like him. He reminds you of Roxy more than Dirk, but there’s both of them in him. “Overload?”

The word sounds right, so you nod, even though you’re not totally sure what he means by it.

Karkat sits on the other side of you, nudging your shoulder. “Pity’s not a bad thing for trolls. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“I didn’t cry,” you lie, although your face is still all wet. This is embarrassing.

Dave wipes away what’s left of the tears on your face with the corner of his cape, and you let him. “Don’t let Karkat get to you. He’s helpful on full moons only.”

“I _heard_ that, Strider.”

“I love you too, Vantas.”

 Then Dave pulls out his screen.

“What are you doing?”

Dave just grins. “You want my advice?”

“S-sure?” You have a funny feeling he knows more than he’s letting on.

“Just be chill. And get it over with.”

He presses the call button. Rose shows up on the screen. She gives the three of you a surprised look – then her black lips crook up into a smile.

She hands whatever it is she’s holding to Dirk, and his face fills the screen. “Hey Jake.”

You find yourself flushing. You can barely get two words together. But Karkat’s shoulder is against yours, and Dave’s hand is on your shoulder, and heck, maybe John was right and being himself isn’t _that_ bad. “Dirk!” You swallow.  “Do you want to go out some time?”

And by gum, it’s worth it to see the look on the boy’s face.


End file.
